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Feelings? What feelings? Are they in this room with us? What did you say? Huh? I didn’t quite hear you right. Mostly I have feelings with my head. I think one feeling a day is all I can handle.

We have feelings all the time, whether we’re aware of them or not. Feelings arise in response to whatever is happening in our lives. A perceived threat makes us fearful. When we feel that someone injures us, we feel hurt and angry. When we feel safe and our needs are met, we feel content. These are natural responses. We may not always have the ability to recognize and understand our feelings, but they are there. Sometimes just having and expressing feelings can seem scary to us and often we may find ourselves pushing down or numbing feelings, which is sometimes acted out unconsciously, in order to cope with life’s pace and demands and to aid us in feeling more in control. Sometimes we use things like substances or food to aid in blocking out uncomfortable and frightening feelings but sadly this often leads to indiscriminate blocking of feelings thus also suppresses and numbs good feelings in our lives too such as: joy, happiness and love for example. When we disconnect from our feelings and emotions, life often can seem to be viewed as very empty, like a void that needs to be filled in some way and these can also lead into habits of compulsive over thinking and other distractive behaviours and techniques for example.

When you were a child, your feelings of love and trust were betrayed. Your pain, rage and fear were too great for you to experience them fully and continue to function, so you suppressed your feelings in order to survive. But we all need feelings. They are useful messages from which we gain insight and the ability to make wise choices. Feelings, even painful ones, are allies, telling us what’s going on inside and, often, how to respond to the situations in our lives.

It is sometimes useful to remember that as a child one took on certain belief systems and emotions about themselves and the world and these were done in order to somehow make sense of the world through the eyes of a child however those feelings may not have been fully accurate as children often internalize unhappy events as being their fault (in some way), even at times when it had nothing to do with them. Often as adults we still carry those false or misperceptions which continue to play out on deeper and often unconscious levels within our realities until they are identified, addressed and fully dealt with. Often we fear having feelings because these tap into and trigger unhappy feelings and thoughts. But in being afraid of expressing and having feelings we rob ourselves of so much joy and living and our potentials and creativity often become stifled as a result.

 FEELINGS ARE A PACKAGE DEAL

When you open up to your feelings, you don’t get to pick and choose. They’re a package deal. One client was abused by her father over the course of many years. When she began she said she felt numb; she wanted to have feelings. After a few months she was crying through every session, crying at home, crying when she went out with friends. One day she came in, started crying, and then laughed, ‘Well, I sure got what I asked for.”

Yes. She was feeling. And the way feelings work is that you can’t feel selectively. When you decide to feel, you feel what there is to feel and an opportunity presents itself to complete any unfinished cycles and to redress old outmoded belief systems and to fully move through the uncomfortable feelings of the past which possibly at the time was too much to cope with as a child, but as an adult things are different. For this woman, there was a great deal of pain and sadness, and after that, a lot of anger. And some fear. But slipped in among these difficult feelings were pride, hope, pleasure, self-respect, and a growing contentment.

To feel, you have to be open to the full spectrum of feelings and with this the excitement and unpredictability of life and what it means to be a living and feeling expression. To feel is to be alive.

The more you can accept your feelings without judgment, the easier it will be for you to experience them, work with them, and learn from them, without needing to suppress them or carry them around with you as extra luggage day in and day out, how much of your energy is that costing you and how much of your life is being robbed because of it?

GETTING IN TOUCH WITH FEELINGS

You feel in your body
Getting in touch with feelings requires that you live inside your body and pay attention to the sensations that are there. Feelings are just that – things that you feel in your body: tightening in your throat, trembling, clutching in your stomach, shortness of breath, moistness behind your eyes, moistness between your legs, warmth in your chest, tingling in your hands, fullness in your heart. For most people feelings is what drives you. It can give you great pleasure or give you great sadness. Or the desire to feel that you are loved makes many people do many things, some times silly things.
Many people have committed the most heinous crimes over the feeling of love. Many have also had the most wondrous life using their feelings to guide them in life. Feelings are just wonderful.

If you have ignored your body for a long time, tuning in to these sensations may seem strange and unfamiliar. Or you may be able to objectively report the sensations you feel in your body but not know what they mean.

When children are very small they don’t have the conceptual ability to say “I feel scared.” They say, “I feel yucky in my stomach.” When adults give that sensation a name, the child learns to connect the feeling with the emotion.

If no one paid attention to what you felt when you were young or growing up and you where never taught and therefore you never learned to name your feelings, you will be starting at the beginning, teaching yourself to read the messages your body gives you and can assist along the exciting path of self discovery. This is easier said than done. It is an art to know ones feeling really well but can be mastered over time.  There are a couple of tricks to follow.

Pay attention
Some people get lost in their feelings and this can be overwhelming and make life feel a little more difficult to cope with, especially if new behaviours or ways of seeing the world are not adopted. Sometimes when one has kept their feelings under lock and key for a long time, when the feelings are first allowed to express again, they can seem overwhelming or more intense for a while but may then balance out more over time, once they have been given the time and space to express in some way. In such instances writing for example can be a useful tool in assisting one to move through and release old unexpressed emotions for example. Getting to know your feelings is part of getting to know yourself as a unique person for you are unique in the world and have a right for expression and this includes expressing your emotions. Very often we are left feeling that we don’t have a right to have feelings because of past experiences and perceived peoples reactions to us and our feelings, if we buy into this belief, we buy into isolation and isolate a very important aspect of ourselves. We all have a right to our feelings, dignity and respect.

Many survivors have spent their lives racing to stay just one step ahead of their feelings. Slow down enough to ask yourself, “How do I feel?” Try and feel it in the body, it is your greatest learning instrument and is your own personal compass.  Whenever you notice your self gliding on automatic pilot, stop and check in with your body and allow yourself time to come into the present moment and FEEL.

Are you in your body?
What sensations are going on?
Try and describe these sensations? Do these sensations have a colour or a shape?
What might those sensations be telling you?
Where in the body do you feel this feeling? (this is a great indicator for you as it will give you a clue as to what is going on with you psychologically) More on that later.

Pay attention to your behaviour also. If you are acting inappropriately, slamming around the kitchen or crying at something small, you may be having a feeling you haven’t yet acknowledged. Explore this feeling, it will teach you many things and is yet another opportunity which is presenting itself to you, one which bares personal gifts of insights and understanding into yourself and your life. These are the gifts from heaven just for you – because you are so unique and special.

If you have habitually covered or smothered your feelings, this “masking or numbing” may take place so quickly and automatically that you don’t even have a chance to feel the initial emotion before pushing it down again. When you begin to feel happy, you can often slide into anxiety due to un-dealt with emotions or beliefs systems around happiness and thinking or feeling for example that you are not worthy of happiness or out of fear that something could go wrong and take away the happiness etc. When you’re angry, often you may turn the anger inwards and back on yourself and may feel that you immediately hate yourself. These patterns are different for everyone, but if you are overwhelmed by states such as depression, confusion, or guilt, there’s probably a specific emotion, triggered by a specific event, underneath which may need to be explored to assist one in moving past those limiting patterns.

Sometimes it’s a thought patterns that intercedes when you start to feel something. If you catch yourself in an old pattern/ time of thinking that makes you feel bad about yourself, it probably has a feeling underneath. It pays huge dividends when you can articulate these feelings and follow the sequence. They hold great treasure for you in your healing process. Thoughts like “I’ll never change” or “People don’t like me” usually indicate buried feelings. As a child you couldn’t afford to say “I hate my father; I want to kill him.” Many survivors for example in sexual abuse,  turn unwanted feelings onto the self and so you hated yourself instead, finding a hundred reasons why you were bad, why the abuse was your fault. You were looking for it. You play this tape over and over again in your mind. By this time it’s like a rut on an unpaved road. Hundreds of cars drive on a dirt road. Each car travels the same path, until it becomes automatic for the tires to follow the tracks. The same is true for thoughts. If you’ve had a lifetime of practice diverting the first glimmer of anger into “I’m bad,” you need to explore the feelings underneath that habit, consciously changing the track. It is essential to understand that the path of your feeling thought pattern began totally unconsciously and what you are doing in the process of undoing this thought feeling pattern is to discover how it worked for you whilst bringing the thought pattern into conscious awareness so as to free yourself from the invisible jail it has kept you captive in, one that has long passed its sell by date. Then one liberates and sets oneself, their thoughts and feelings free and find deeper happiness and contentment within.

HONOURING FEELINGS

When you first become aware of the simple, pure emotions that move through you, all you have to do is be aware: “I’m feeling a feeling.” If you’re sad, let yourself feel sad without worrying, without panicking, without needing to take any action. It’s okay just to feel sad. In fact this is what you are supposed to do. You are supposed to feel. Your feelings aren’t dangerous and you cant get sick from them. Most people find that once they get started, feeling isn’t as bad as they feared it would be.

Feelings exist in and of themselves, but when you’re not used to them, having an emotion you can’t tie to a concrete event can be frightening.

It is reassuring to understand why you feel a certain way or where that feeling originates, but that’s not always possible. Even if you don’t figure it out, the feeling still counts.
Valuing and believing your feelings takes time. But eventually you will stop seeing feelings as something separate from yourself.

It’s the nature of feelings to ebb and flow, to change. You can be furious one hour, sad the next, full of love an hour later. Pain turns into rage, and rage into relief. If feelings are not jammed up, they shift with a natural rhythm that matches your experience in the world. Paradoxically, the best way to get rid of a feeling is to feel it fully. When you accept and express a feeling, it often transforms.

It is like a fire hose. When it’s plugged up, the internal pressure is explosive; water bursts froth in a torrent. But when the water is flowing and the pressure is even, the water rushes steadily out through the hose and does its job.

When you’re working with long-denied feelings, the transitions won’t happen as quickly as they will with contemporary feelings, but all feelings, once released, eventually change.

Get support for your feelings

If your feelings were denied or criticized in childhood, it may take a while before you feel safe enough to express you feelings. Many women first experience this safety with a counselor.

Being with people who respect your feelings and who are in touch with their own can also speed the learning process. Through feedback, example, and tenderness, you can learn to connect with your own emotions.

Although it’s good to have loving, supportive people around when you start to connect with your feelings, over time you’ll feel safe enough to open up by yourself. In your mind or out loud you can tell yourself the comforting things others have told you: “it’s okay to cry.” “You have a right to your anger.” By calling on the part of yourself that is able to nurture you, to stand up for you, you provide a wise and kind mother/ father for the frightened, hurt, or angry child within. You can stroke your own hair, rock yourself in a rocker, make yourself a cup of warm milk and honey, or set out pillows to punch. You become your own catalyst, midwife, permission-giver. 

Communicating your feelings

Once you start to feel your feelings, you still may have a hard time expressing them.

There’s no single way to show emotion. Everyone has her/ their own individual style. But it’s important to be able to express what you feel in a way that’s satisfying and that communicates.

Certain ways of communicating feelings increase the likelihood that you will be heard. If you say, “I’m upset. (It is imperative that you use the word “I” in stating how you feel. That way you enable others to take cognisance of your feelings and can then do something about it. But when you start off say you make me feel so and so, then you are blaming others for how you are feeling. This creates conflict.) When you are late and you haven’t called, I worry. Please call me next time,” you’ll probably get a better response than if you say, “You’re the most thoughtless person I’ve ever met. You never care about my feelings.” There is a huge difference in the approach between the two and the results are often astounding to the survivor to realise.

Timing is important too. If you have something to say that’s important or vulnerable, don’t undermine yourself by picking a time that is not conducive to real listening. Give yourself – and your friend-the benefit of a fair start.

Comment from a client
Dear Peter
I also wanted to mention that one of the biggest patterns of late that I personally have become aware of is that often someone who has been through sexual abuse etc often turn all anger inward, it becomes displaced anger onto the self and then anything that goes wrong in their life after that from then onwards, and even when someone treats you badly or lets you down automatically the “natural response” is to blame the self and turn the anger inward, beat up on the self and take full responsibility for all that transpired, even when it has nothing to do with you! You don’t see that, you automatically think its your fault! So maybe to add or highlight this fact in your emotions document… the fact that Survivors often turn all their anger inward and then that energy has to dispel/ release in some way and that is often when self punishment or self mutilation comes in and even depression… and for Survivors to begin to become more aware of their own thought processes and when they are stepping into self critism and judgement due to displaced anger!!! Often its easier to blame the self than someone else ie: the perpetrator for example a parent (or adults, who from a child’s perspective cannot be wrong as being an adult means being wise etc etc). Its too much for a little child to take in that their parent who is supposed to protect them, actually hurt them so deeply so they take it on as being their own fault as this reality is an easier one to cope with than their whole world/ reality of safety being shattered cue to a parent or adult having violated them and their space… this pattern of self blame (that Survivors often fall into) for things then becomes an automatic and unconscious process which takes place often unconsciously and generalises into all areas of the Survivors life to the point that things that don’t have anything to do with them is taken on as their fault and feel guilty and “bad” and a failure in all they do, thinking they cannot do a thing right, that everything they attempt is doomed to failure thus self esteem keeps going down more and more and they also create their own self fulfilling prophecy, attracting difficult situations into their space ongoing thus wearing them out and making them feel just exhausted and depleted at the thought of life and living, as its literally a living hell experience… and one begins to trust life less and less and wishes to withdraw more and more ie: depression and possible suicide tendencies for example etc etc. because you think what’s the point to it all, its just going to be “wrong” in the long run anyway and maybe life/ the world is better without me and my “bad” influence.

Anyway just wanted to mention the above in case you wanted to add it into your emotions document also… I feel its actually really important for a survivor to become aware of the tendency to turn the blame and anger inwards, as I think this has been one of my biggest patterns which has made me unbelievably unhappy and sad and disheartened about life and the world… life just is so much harder when you burden and blame yourself for everything going wrong in life!!! But it’s a prison you can’t seem to get out of because you don’t even know what the prison is or where it stems from but you just feel overwhelmed and trigger into overwhelm and self criticism all the time and can’t understand why (and then others say to you that you are too sensitive, but actually you are overwhelmed and thus trigger into emotions and sadness etc much easier because you system is nearly in a constant overwhelm state and keeps re-triggering at the slightest thing because the slightest things just adds to the underlying monster of feeling a failure, not good enough, bad, depressed, sad, guilty etc etc. All you know is that you feel shit all the time, guilty and a bad person but you can’t often pinpoint why! To now see this for myself has been sooo freeing and daily life is feeling so much easier, I feel humbled and blessed that Spirit has assisted me in this deep awareness and healing and those processes I did with you have been life changing too… I can just feel that “being here” on the earth plane and in the present is coming easier without the same level of resistance as before…

Thanks again for everything,
Will email soon again,
Love M……..

Developing discernment

In an ideal world, you could express your real feelings anywhere, any time. Since we don’t live in such a world, you need to make a balanced decision each time you consider whether to express your feelings. Balanced decisions take into account feelings, intellect, and judgment.

Getting angry at a police officer who pulls you over for a ticket isn’t strategically sound. If you want to be intimate with someone, you have to express your feelings. But not all relationships are intimate.

You are entitled to your feelings and discern in which situations these are appropriate to express, sometimes speaking with people who may understand or share similar views for example can be a starting point to learn to gain confidence in expressing your feelings more. Sometimes someone may not like what you have to say, and this does not make your feelings “wrong”, despite different reactions from different people. Each feeling has a right to be and to express, where and how that happens may need practice and “fine-tuning” and like any skill takes time to learn or master. Be patient and kind with yourself through the process.

Emotional release work

Recognizing and expressing contemporary feelings is often easier than getting in tough with buried feelings from childhood. Yet part of the healing process entails going back and feeling those feelings in order to help one with unblocking and clearing that which holds them back and gain new insights and perspectives and thus setting oneself free through letting go of old beliefs and feelings which no longer serve.

One useful tool for clearing out old feelings is emotional release work. Because memories and feelings are stored in the body, working through feelings physically can provide a powerful adjunct to talking.  With proper safeguards and a responsible helping person to support you, emotional release work is a powerful and active way to get rid of emotional baggage.

Some therapies such as bioenergetics, re-birthing, primal therapy, and psychodrama include cathartic emotional release. Because this kind of work is active and intense (and sometimes takes people back in time to the original abuse), it is important to have the supervision of an experienced support person who is comfortable with the expression of deep pain.

Emotional release exercises

For anger: With a support person present, take a tennis racket and whack it against a mattress or piled-up cushions. Use sound and words if you feel them. Let them out. You can start with your full strength or start easy and work up to it. The support person can encourage you and cheer you on, as well as talk over your feelings with you afterward.

For grief: If you feel like crying but are stuck, allow your breath to help you connect your feelings with their expression. Exaggerate the breathing pattern-for example, long exhales, shaky inhales, adding sounds if you can. If tears do not come, it’s still okay. Notice the feelings, thoughts, and sensations you do have.

For tension: Use your body. Wrestle with a friend. Chop wood. Swim.

Fear of feeling

Many survivors fear that if they open up their feelings, they’ll suddenly go out of control.

Although you may indeed be very angry or very sad for a long time, those feelings don’t have to be overwhelming or journeyed alone.

When you’ve repressed feelings for long time, it’s natural to be wary. But just because you have strong feelings doesn’t mean you’ll be unable to control yourself. Pounding pillows furiously does not mean you’ve gone berserk. In fact, actively expressing intense feelings in a safe, structured way makes it less likely that you’ll explode. Very few murderers kill their victims after coming out of a pillow-pounding session with their counselor or support group.

Controlling abusive anger

If you find yourself slapping your children, yelling at your co-workers, furious at your partner for the small trespasses of daily life, you’re probably misdirecting your anger. Although it may be anger triggered in the present that is appropriate to the current situation, you may also be tapping into the well of old rage from childhood. When the two blur, you tend to react in ways that are out of proportion to what’s going on now.

As soon as you become aware that your feelings do not fit the present, take a break. Excuse yourself from the situation and try to separate the old from the new. If this is difficult, it will help to do some emotional release work so you have the opportunity to express your old rage in an active and focused way. (This is true of other feelings as well, such as feeling rejected, abandoned, or hurt.)

Violence is a way to assert power over others. It’s effective in the short run but at too great a cost. You cannot heal from the effects of child sexual abuse while continuing to perpetrate abuse on others. If you’re in a situation where you are battering or being battered, or if you find yourself repeatedly fighting or in dangerous situations, you need to stop now and get help from a supportive counsellor.

Panic and panic attacks

Panic is what you feel when you get scared by your own emotions and don’t have the skills to calm yourself down. Or when you’re trying like mad to suppress feelings or memories. Although panic sometimes seems to come out of the blue, there is always a trigger. Often it is a reminder of your abuse that you aren’t consciously aware of. Through therapy and support within a counselling setting, one can work with and move through frightening feelings. This is nothing to be ashamed of, remember every feeling has its place and has a right to be expressed, its how one chooses to express and resolve the unwanted emotions that will determine the quality of ones life and in the future. By allowing unresolved and frightening feelings to emerge and through actively working through these in safe and nurturing environments, one is able to further empower themselves by resolving internal conflicts. Through the therapy process, and by honouring the space, time and process of therapy for example, one often opens up to deep levels of compassion for themselves and others through the understandings one gains through the process.

A client panicked whenever she stopped at a red light. The feeling of being boxed in and unable to move reminded her of the trapped feeling she had when she was being molested.

In a panic attack you are usually not aware of these connections. You simply feel out of control and sometimes “irrational” feelings of dying can accompany the panic. Your heart is racing, your body feels as if it’s going to explode, you want to run and sometimes feel shaky on the inside for example too. Even your vision may change. You fear you’re going crazy. And not understanding what is going on only makes things worse.

If you start to feel panicky, breathe. Sit with the feeling. Often people think they have to do something quickly to get away from the scared feeling, but this frenzy to escape can escalate your fear rather than relieve it. Don’t rush into action. Instead, reassure yourself that this is just a feeling, powerful though it may be. In those moments saying a phrase to yourself like: “this too will pass” or “I am safe” can assist in helping one to calm down in the short term. For long term lasting affects one can choose to engage in trauma therapy to release old trauma’s which may have gotten “stuck” or “frozen” in the body and to move through unresolved emotions for example, thus less likely to trigger into overwhelm or panic attacks once the underlying issues have been addressed.

Acting out of panic makes for poor choices. Putting your hand through a glass window, driving too fast, screaming at your boss, can have long-term negative consequences. This kind of behaviour is subject to the law of cause and effect. There are always consequences to what you caused. Learn to work with this law rather than against it. Going against it just ends up costing you more and more.

You need to call on your judgment (what you know to be true when you’re not scared) to guide you. Expressing feelings when you’re extremely frightened can free you from that fear, but only if you’re in a setting that’s safe. A therapy group is a good place to get in touch with deeply buried feelings. Driving home isn’t. You could probably drive safely while feeling some sadness or even yelling into the night, but not if you’re reliving the terror of being raped. If you decide it isn’t a good time to express or act on your feelings, take steps to calm yourself down and find ways of allowing yourself the time and space to work through the feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

Calming down

The most effective way to deal with panic is to catch it early. Once the panic spirals out of control, it’s more difficult to stop, but at least you can keep yourself focused in a positive direction so you don’t hurt yourself or others.

The important thing in calming down is to do whatever works for you, even if it seems silly or embarrassing. Through trial and error, you can develop a list of things that help. Try including comfort for as many of the senses as possible (feeling, hearing, sight, taste, smell). Actually write a list and keep it handy. You don’t think as clearly or creatively when you’re in a panic. If it’s all written out, you only have to pick up you list, start at the top, and work your way down.
A simple list could look like this:

Things to do when I’m desperate

Your list will be different, but number 1 on everybody’s list should be breathing. Counting breaths or focusing on breathing in and out is a good way to calm down. Try breathing out for twice as long as you breathe in. With less oxygen flooding your system, you naturally calm down.

Create a safe spot

It’s a good idea to create a safe spot in your house, a place you can go when you’re scared. A altar often creates that space for you. Just by making it, it will touch you deeply and it usually creates that safe space for you.  Make an agreement with yourself that as long as you’re in that spot, you won’t hurt yourself or anyone else-you’ll be safe. And make an agreement that if you start to feel out of control and afraid of what you might do, you’ll go to that spot and stay there, breathing one breath at a time until the feeling passes.

Your safe spot might be a window seat on the stairway, your bed, or a favourite reading chair. Or it might be a hiding place where no one can find you. One women spent the night sleeping in her closet on top of her shoes, something she’d done as a small child to comfort herself in a house where no place was safe. In her case it was a re-enactment of a process that made her safe as a young child.

Take your own nurturing seriously, no matter how odd it may look. You are not crazy, it is only your emotions that have a tight grip on you. When all else fails, head to bed with your teddy bear and a baby bottle full of warm milk.

Change your environment

Consciously changing your environment can sometimes snap you out of panic. Going into a public place such as a mall can do this for you, for others this may not be what they need, they might want to be out in nature in the open spaces. Bottom line follow your gut feel that is telling you on the inside. Relief is there. This can be as simple as leaving your bedroom and walking into the kitchen to make tea. Or you can leave your house and take a walk down the block. If you’re out in nature, looking up at the stars or trees can give you a sense of perspective.

Sometimes the things that upset you are sensory reminders of the past such as abuse. The smell of certain cologne, the tone of someone’s voice, the sound of corduroy rubbing together, can trigger real anxiety. All of these things are subconscious reminders that are triggered within you.

By becoming aware of these cues, you will be better equipped to take care of yourself when you encounter them and will be able to take appropriate action which will support you and nurture you.

Reach out

Sometimes it’s hardest to reach out when you need it the most, but give yourself a loving push to break out of your isolation. If you’re with a trustworthy person, you can ask for a hug or to be held. If you’re alone, call someone. It’s a good idea to arrange this beforehand. When you’re in that panicky place, you sometimes feel alienated, unsure why anyone would want to know you, let alone help you. If you’re in a support group or in therapy, arrange to call a group member or your therapist. Make a contract with a friend that you’ll call each other when you’re in need. This may be the last thing you feel  like doing, but remind yourself that you made the agreement for just this kind of circumstance, that it really is a good idea (even if you can’t remember why), and then pick up the phone and dial. Many times it is just the hardest thing to do for the fear that someone may just reject you or say to you that you are crazy, needy etc.

Some things to avoid

Almost anything that works is fair game in dealing with panic, but there are a few things you should avoid.

After you come down

When you’re on the other side of an attack of panic, self-hatred, or despair, relax and rest a bit. Such emotional intensity is exhausting and you need to replenish your energy. When you feel balanced again, try to determine what triggered it.

Sometimes questions like these can help you find the roots. It may take a series of episodes with similar dynamics before you are able to pinpoint the source, but it’s worth the work. This kind of analysis can help you avoid getting swept up in the same cycle the next time.

Positive feelings can be scary too

Over time, your positive feelings will increase. Happiness, excitement, satisfaction, love, security, and hope will appear more frequently. Although these are “good” feelings, you may not be comfortable with them at first.

For many survivors, positive feelings are scary also. As a child, happiness often signalled a disaster about to occur. If you were playing with your friends when your uncle called you in and molested you, if you were sleeping peacefully when your father abused you, if you were having Sunday dinner at your grandparents’ when you were taken by surprise and humiliated, you learned that happiness was not to be trusted. Or if you pretended to be happy when you were suffering inside, happiness may feel like a sham to you still.

Even the idea that you might, at some time, feel good can be threatening. One woman said she dared not hope. As a child she hoped day after day that her father might come home cheerful, might be nice to her, might stop abusing her. And day after day, she was disappointed. Finally, out of self-preservation, she gave up hope. She told herself that life is unsafe. This became here belief system and she acted out of this belief system for the rest of her life until we “dealt” with it.

Sometimes peacefulness and contentment are the most disconcerting feelings of all. Calm may be so totally unfamiliar that you don’t know how to relax and enjoy it. Unexpected good feelings can be hard to come to terms with. Often what happens when this is a wounding of yours, is that most people find things to do, or subconsciously create drama around them so that they can say to them selves “you see it is true you cant trust these positive feelings.

Learning to tolerate feeling good is one of the nicest parts of healing. Once you get started, you may find that you want to do it a lot. Take all the opportunities that come your way. A quiet moment drinking tea in the morning. Reading your child a bedtime story. A totally engrossing movie. A call from a friend just to say hello. An omelette that turned out perfect. Notice these things. Take the risk of admitting that you feel good-first for a moment, then for longer.

Being liked, loved, and appreciated has felt threatening for many survivors. Visibility is a kind of exposure. Appreciation can bring up feelings of shame. The contrast between someone’s high opinion of you and your own self-hatred can be wrenching. And feeling positive about yourself-feeling worthy, deserving, and proud-may seem fantastically out of reach. But again, these feelings are so pleasant that you’ll find it’s worth getting used to them.

When someone pays you a compliment, try saying “Thank you” instead of immediately rattling off a list of your faults. If you receive a present, say “This makes me feel really good.” If you get a raise, say “I like being acknowledged for my work.”

Although you’ve experienced a lot of pain in your life, you have a multitude of opportunities for experiencing wonderful feelings as well. Take them. You deserve to feel good and you are worth it.

Positive affirmations and the feelings barometer

Some positive affirmations which many people who are struggling with this problem often find useful to work with:

Feelings I Experience Diary – this is a good way for you to start feeling – to start learning about feelings

Please copy the following table and print. Every day when you have a bit of time for yourself, just circle one of the feelings below that best reflect how you are feeling today or now. This will develop within you, a good understanding of your own feelings and what they feel like. This process helps you to connect what is going on in your body with naming a feeling. It is like learning your own feeling dictionary.

(Every day in your Stress Diary, note where in your body and when and why you experience any of the feelings listed below) Doing this is invaluable for you in building your own feeling library.

Start with feelings that are generally easy to understand such as these.
Happy    Sad    Joy    Shame    Scared    Frightened    Nervous    Worried    Excited    Disappointment    Hurt    Ashamed    Glad    Good    Embarrassed    Bad    Unhappy    Anger

The next level of feelings requires a bit more of an advanced feeling knowledge in building your feeling dictionary. Practice these feelings more and more and when you feel that you are proficient at it them you can move on to the next level. Please remember that this is not a race, take your time, it is a whole new world out there waiting for you. Best get to know the feelings dictionary very well – you will never look back.

Positive Feelings

Intense

loved, adored, idolized, alive, wanted, lustful, worthy, pity, respected, empathy, awed, enthusiastic, zealous, courageous

Strong

enchanted, ardor, infatuated, tender, vibrant, independent, capable, happy , proud, gratified, worthy, sympathetic, important, concerned, appreciated, consoled, delighted, eager, optimistic, joyful, courage, hopeful, valiant, brave, brilliant

Moderate

liked, cared for, esteemed, affectionate, fond, excited, patient, strong, gay, inspired, anticipating, amused, yearning, popular, peaceful, appealing, determined, pleased, excited, jolly, relieved, glad, adventurous, peaceful, intelligent

Mild

friendly, regarded, benevolent, wide awake, at-ease, relaxed, comfortable, content, keen, amazed, alert, sure, attractive, approved, untroubled, graceful, turned on, warm, amused, daring, comfortable, smart, interested

Negative Feelings

Mild

unpopular, listless, moody, lethargic, gloomy, dismal, discontented, tired, indifferent, unsure, impatient, dependent, unimportant, regretful, bashful, puzzled, self-conscious, edgy, upset, reluctant, timid, mixed-up, sullen, provoked

Moderate

suspicious, envious, enmity, aversion, dejected, unhappy, bored, forlorn, disappointed, wearied, inadequate, ineffectual, helpless, resigned, apathetic, shy, uncomfortable, baffled, confused, nervous, tempted, tense, worried, perplexed, troubled, disdainful, contemptuous, alarmed, annoyed, provoked

Strong

disgusted, resentful, bitter, detested, fed-up, frustrated, sad, depressed, sick, dissatisfied, fatigued, worn-out, useless, weak, hopeless, forlorn, rejected, guilty, embarrassed, inhibited, bewildered, frightened, anxious, dismayed, apprehensive, disturbed, antagonistic, vengeful, indignant, mad, torn, my fault

Intense

hate, unloved, abhor, despised, angry, hurt, miserable, pain, lonely, cynical, worthless, impotent, futile, accursed, abandoned, estranged, degraded, humiliated, shocked, panicky, trapped, horrified, afraid, scared, terrified, threatened, infuriated, furious, exhausted

This list contains more advanced feelings as well as the other two levels above. Use the list as an indicator of which of these words best describes your feeling today or in this moment? If you don’t understand the feelings get a dictionary to help you. Have fun with your feelings. Once you have mastered these feelings below you will be well on your way. Well done!!!

AND NOW THAT YOU REALLY HAVE THE HANG OF WORKINGH WITH YOUR FEELINGS, HERE IS A GOOD LIST TO WORK UP ON AND REALLY GET THEM POLISHED !!!!

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